to all the ones who have left

To all the ones who have left,

I still remember. 

I remember running into my room and laughing until our stomachs cramped, and then laughing some more even though we wanted desperately to stop. I remember best friend necklaces and shopping trips and shared sodas. I remember talking about our crushes, sharing inside jokes, e-mailing back and forth because we didn't have phones yet, and swearing we would be friends forever. I remember thinking that you were the one - you were the one who was going to stay, the one that would keep in touch, the one who would be different than everyone else. I remember when we talked less and less, when my attempts to reach out went unanswered, when eventually I stopped reaching out because what was the point anyway? 

I know most of you haven't forgotten me - sometimes I still get tagged in "who was your best friend in fifth grade" posts, "Throwback Thursdays," and Facebook Memories. None of you left me because of an argument, a fight, or any malice. You left because we slowly grew apart, and you moved on.  

I shouldn't be mad at you, because you didn't intend to hurt me. You didn't mean to leave a gaping hole in my heart that I tried so quickly to fill with the next person, who - spoiler alert - left me, too. You didn't know that because of my low self-esteem that I tell myself, "They left because you're worthless. They left because you're a bad friend. They left because they found someone better. They left because you weren't good enough." It's not your fault that I struggle with my mental health, and I'm not blaming you or asking you to take responsibility for my own problems.

I just wish you would've said goodbye so I'd have known it was over, instead of trying and trying for so long.

I wish you'd told me it's not because anything I've done - it's just hard to keep in contact over a long distance, you're a different person now, or anything really! Anything to fill the silence of my unanswered attempts to find you again.

I wish you hadn't left, but we can't change that now.

I wish I could forget you.

I wish I wasn't crying right now.

I wish you hadn't unintentionally hurt me.

I wish I was okay.

I wish I could forget you.

But I still remember.

 * * *

There's a strange little thrill that comes with the phrase, "You're my best friend" whether it's a formal declaration or an offhand comment; the special feeling that comes with knowing that out of all the humans in the world, this person has chosen you - you - to be their special someone.

The problem is, I don't have a best friend. Throughout the years, I have had many, many best friends. I know, I know - "You can only have one." But as someone who loves deeply and wholeheartedly, there are dozens of people in my life who I've been close to, invested in, and loved on and who have done the same for me. And yet, every one of these people have left. 

My father was in the military, so growing up, I moved around a lot. Many of my friends I lost because of distance. Others I lost because, well, I'm not sure why. In junior high, two of my three closest friends stopped talking to me simultaneously, I still wonder why, but I tell myself not to think about it. If you can't tell, letting go of the past is extremely hard for me. I am very loyal - it's one of my greatest qualities and also serves as my greatest weakness. I want to love on everyone and be there for everyone and I want everyone to be there for me and love me, but that's not possible or healthy. I also have an extremely good memory, so unfortunately I remember my high school best friend's favorite color (it's yellow), when exactly I gave each of those best friend necklaces to each respective friend, and why exactly my friend and I were laughing so hard that our stomachs hurt. 

Recently, I "lost" one of my closest friends. We're still on friendly terms, but I've deleted all of our text messages because looking over them was making me angry + bitter. Realizing that she might not be big part of my life or my future children's life is hard; I'm not going to lie. But letting her go also freed me - when she does text me or reach out, I will look at it as a lovely reminder of what once was. When we do see each other, hopefully we will be able to catch up and enjoy each other's company. But I'm not going to rely on her because we weren't able to keep up that closeness. It's the first time I've consciously made the effort to exit a relationship - well, exit isn't the right word. It's more like a change in status from from "constant" to "distant."

It hurts not because we've been close for years; it hurts because I've never processed all the other people who have stopped talking to me. It hurts because every time someone "leaves," I look back at everyone else who has walked away and subsequently see myself as unworthy of love. But that's not the truth: my worth is not defined by whether or not I have a best friend, a multitude of friends, or no friends. My worth can only be defined by who I am in Christ - otherwise every label I place on myself will leave me feeling worthless and unloved. 

My process for moving forward is first, allowing myself to grieve. It seems silly, to mourn over someone who isn't dead, but the friendship is gone - withered, shriveled, likely dehydrated beyond repair. Maybe someday, a few of the friendships will come alive again. Maybe they won't. Either way, it's okay.

And after I grieve, I'm moving on. Maybe it means deleting more texts; maybe it means taking some things to the thrift store. Maybe it means taking some photos down, or throwing away some letters. This won't be done out of anger or bitterness, but in a spirit of thankfulness and appreciation. 

I briefly visited the subjects of friendship in two of my previous blog posts, one about making my support system stronger and this one's for the givers, so you can see that it's a subject I've been ruminating upon for some time. 

Over the past few months, I've come to understand that the root cause of my sorrow is not people leaving me - it's the fact that I don't see myself as worthy of other people's affections, and discarding mementos or writing more blog posts is not going to change that. But I also understand that I need to let some relationships go, in order to make room for new ones. Because even though I've told J countless times, "I never want another best friend," I do want to love on more people, make new memories, and build more relationships. Maybe not today, but soon.

* * *

To all the ones who have left,

I still remember.

I love you.

Thank you.

Goodbye. ♥

31 Days of Self Love Challenge

Yesterday I published the last post in the 31 Days of Love Challenge from Blessing Manifesting. Here are all of the questions/challenges in case you'd like to answer them for yourself, as well as some of my thoughts in conclusion.

1.  What is your biggest struggle with loving yourself?
2. Get rid of a limiting belief that you have about yourself or your abilities.  
3. What good habit do you want to begin this month?
4. What is a compliment that you struggle to accept about yourself?
5. What is a something you need to start saying "yes" to?
6. What do you need to forgive yourself for?
7. Name a thing you love about your body and your personality.
8. Where in your life do you need to slow down and take your time?  
9. What's something in your life that you need to get rid of?
10. How can you set better boundaries in your life?
11. How would you describe yourself, in a loving way, to a stranger?
12. What makes you feel happy to be alive? 
13. Take a selfie. Just as you are. Find one thing to love about it.
14. What would your younger self be proud of you for today?
15. What are you afraid to ask for? What do you need to speak up about?
16. What is the most loving thing you've ever done for yourself?
17. When was the last time you indulged yourself and how?
18. What's one change you can make to increase your happiness?
19. How are you making the world a better place?
20. How can you give yourself a break today? (Mentally, physically, or emotionally)
21. What's something you're working on believing that you deserve?
22. What things make you feel bad, but you find yourself doing them anyway?
23. What does your support system look like? How can you make it stronger?
24. What's something you wish someone would say to you?
25. What things are you really good at?
26. What parts of yourself are you ashamed of? What does your shadow self look like?
27. What's one choice you can make right now that your future self will thank you for?
28. Who are your role models and what qualities do you share with them?
29. What words or beliefs do you (want to) live your life by?
30. What labels (negative and positive) do you assign yourself?
31. Going forward, how can you commit to loving yourself every day?

 

My Thoughts:

I'm definitely glad that I participated in this challenge! Answering each day's prompt helped me begin 2019 in a positive and introspective way. I learned a lot about myself and also enjoyed the challenge of looking at each day's question from a Christian perspective, not just a psychological one. Discussing my answers and hearing J's thoughts was also a fun way for us to spend time together. I would like to encourage you to at least think about your answers to some of the prompts - even if you don't enjoy analyzing yourself as much as J and I do, you might learn something about yourself + be encouraged by how far you've come. 

"I understand that the past will be the past, and nothing changes that. 

But the future is brighter than any flashback." 

- January White, Sleeping At Last

Day 31/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

I can continue to keep fighting. Sometimes, my depression will get the best of me, and I'll end up thinking that the planet would be better off without me. Sometimes, I'll call J in the middle of a panic attack and tell him that I don't think I can drive home. But other times, I will remind myself that I am loved, that my friends and family care about me. I will remind myself that even if I've made mistakes in the past, it doesn't prevent me from doing good in the future. I will remind myself of all the people I have helped and loved and encouraged. I will continue fighting because stubbornly saying, "I'm still here even though you've thrown your worst at me" is the best way to tell depression to go away. Saying, "I'm not giving up" when every part of me says that I should is the ultimate victory. Saying, "Today might've sucked, but tomorrow will be better" is how I will face the future not with fear but with hope.

Pardon my language, but screw you, depression. I've just spent thirty-one days learning how to love myself. I'm going to use some of that knowledge and love myself right here and now. I have a God who is much bigger than anything you can throw my way, and He loves me, even if I am a sad, complicated, and stressed little human. He loved me before I ever learned how to love myself. 

Day 30/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

 

• Christian - This is the most important "label" of all, and the only one that should ever truly define me.
• Wifey - One of my favorite things about myself is that I'm the wife of my high school sweetheart and best friend. Again, any label (whether positive or negative) can have a negative effect if it becomes our sole identity, but knowing that I am a child of God and the wife of this pretty handsome guy can make me pretty happy.

• Writer - I have always loved creating stories, and even though I don't have much time for it anymore, writing will always be my first love. Whenever I learn something new about the Bible, psychology, myself, or humanity, I always think, "How can I add this into my novel?" I'm currently brainstorming for a new novel that will definitely include elements of anxiety, depression, and mental health in a nontraditional way.
• Sad - I tell my closest friends, "I'm sad" a lot because it's a way to express my emotions and let them know that I'm not having the best day without going into great detail. However, I have to be really careful not to let this emotion become a defining part of me - it may be the way I feel sometimes, but it is not who I intrinsically am.
• Artist - I enjoy drawing, hand lettering, painting, singing, playing piano, and playing guitar - I'll just group all of these into "artist" because it's how I express myself if I'm not writing. 
• Coffee Lover - this one's ridiculous because I don't even like coffee unless it is 40% creamer and 20% sugar. I added this one, though, so you could see how something can quickly become part of someone's "image" even if they don't like it that much.
• Nerd - I am a nerd, but not in the way I usually portray myself. I act hyper and talk about anime because I think it makes me look like a cute nerd girl, but in actuality I am a nerd over the fact that Tumblr often portrays the character of Dear Evan Hansen's Connor Murphy incorrectly; that I wish they'd make a live action movie of A Tale of Two Cities; that Jared and Claudia should've ended up together in Sapphique (a steampunk book); and that many novels break grammatical rules. But see, that's not very cute and nerdy, that's just...nerdy.
• Complicated - I like to think that I am too complex, complicated, and broken to be known or loved. But the truth is, I'm about the same as everyone else - every person on this planet is a little or a lot messed up, and everyone needs help, in one way or another. One of my favorite artists has a line in their song Emphasis that says, "Life is a gorgeous, broken gift; six billion pieces waiting to be fixed." No one is too broken to be saved, and no one is too lost to be found. Everyone's a little complicated, sure, but no one's so complicated that they can't be loved.

If you want to read more about labels, you can check out this blog post from a few months ago.

Also, Happy Valentine's Day! I happen to love this day (even when I was single) because I'm a hopeless romantic and also incredibly cheesy. But even if you don't really care for a holiday that seems like it's only for couples, I want to tell you that I love you and if I could give you a box of chocolates, I would.

Day 27/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

The answer to this question is a choice that I'm already in the process of implementing - it's letting go of the past and looking towards the future. I am an incredibly loyal person and it is very hard for me to let go of previous relationships and friendships, particularly close ones. But even though it is possible to keep in touch with dozens of people who have once been part of my life, that doesn't necessarily mean it is necessary or even beneficial - to either party. I need to continue moving forwards because my future isn't in the past but in the present. A very cliché quote that inspires me nonetheless is, "Don't look back - you're not going that way." And this is only in an earthly sense - in a spiritual sense, it makes even more sense to keep moving forward.

C.S. Lewis said, "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." That is so true - anything wonderful, beautiful, or incredible that happens here on earth is nothing compared to spending eternity with Christ one day. We shouldn't be afraid of moving forward because God holds the future and even though our Christian lives may not be easy, they can be filled with joy.

Day 26/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

I used to be ashamed about my mental health issues, at least in the sense of being in denial and refusing to admit that I might struggle with depression. Once I came to terms with my less than pleasant state of mental health, I became defensive about my struggles, which make it difficult for me to reach out for help because I felt like everyone wanted to judge or "fix" me. Even though I'm open about my thoughts and fears online, I'm not as open in person unless specifically asked. However, I don't think it's an issue of shame for me, I think it's an issue of trust - I'm afraid to bring up the subject out of the many instances when I've offhandedly mentioned my struggles with anxiety or panic attacks and been told, "You shouldn't be anxious; I have so much more stress than you do" or "You just need to not take things so personally."

I think the part of myself that I am most ashamed of is my jealousy, because I know logically that it's ridiculous, and yet I still feel angry and upset when I think that a friend or a family member likes someone else more than they like me. But honestly this stems from the fact that I don't like myself, and I don't think that anyone else could possibly like me either - so why wouldn't they drop me at the first chance? It's something that I'm working through, albeit rather slowly.

I had no idea what a "shadow self" was, but a quick internet search told me it's the "dark side" or negative aspects of oneself. That sounds kind of New Age-y to me, and I'd rather not use that terminology. I think everyone has certain sins that they are more likely to struggle with, and that doesn't make us a better or a worse sinner; it just means we have to be careful. For me, those sins are jealousy, being self-centered, gossiping, not trusting in God, not being content, and not respecting my husband, to name a few - all of which do not make up a very pleasant person, but all of which can be worked through and conquered by the power of the Holy Spirit. Thankfully, we serve a loving God who forgives our sins and takes our shame away - what an incredible gift!

Day 25/31 of Self-Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

• Writing fiction
• Drawing/painting 
• Playing piano
• Playing guitar (kind of)
• Noticing when people are sad
• Remembering little details about people's likes/dislikes, conversations, events, etc.
• Losing my phone
• Finding the perfect gift for someone
• Giving head rubs (you can ask my husband, because he's the only one who would know)
• Sarcasm
• Making puns

Day 24/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

First, can I choose who says this to me? Because I want to point out that my family and husband frequently and often tell me how much they love and appreciate me. But my anxiety says, "These people only say this because they're your family - they have to say these things. Your husband only says these words because, though he may sincerely believe it, he's a bit misguided. I mean, he married you after all! So he's obviously a little bit addled in the head." Even though I know logically it's my anxiety talking to me, I still emotionally think those lies are true. So I would prefer if this came from a close friend who is not closely related or married to me.

"I love you. I love the way you act when you are tired enough to not care what anyone thinks about you, when you are 100% comfortable in your own skin, when you walk into Hot Topic after swearing you aren't going to spend anymore money, when you get all embarrassed ordering your drink from Starbucks because you think it's too "basic," when you snatch a candy bar from the aisle and throw it into the cart hoping I won't notice. I love how you care about others, even people you'll probably never see again. I love how you are so affronted when people drive below the speed limit, but almost cry if someone honks at you. I love how you feel deeply, even if it's over something seemingly trivial, like an insect that can't fly or a bird that's fallen from its nest. I love how you're so smart but so dumb sometimes, especially about yourself. I wish you knew how much I loved you, and I wish you loved yourself half as much as I do."

Day 23/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

 

My support system is primarily my husband, followed by two very close friends. I recently made my support system stronger by actually making it smaller - I removed people who, though they have been supportive and loving towards me in the past, were unable to continue this level of friendship over the span of hundreds of miles. Although I was sad to know that I could no longer rely on these people to respond to an urgent text or a request for a phone call, it also served as  great relief - instead of feeling unloved by their inability to support me, it freed me from my anger and allowed me to say, "If this person never texts me back, I am still worthy of love. If we're not as close as we used to be, that's all right. If we only talk once in a while or on holidays, that's okay."

I'm reminded of Marie Kondo's book, The Magic of Tidying Up, where she encourages readers to let go of their items not with sadness, but gratefulness. For me, looking at the friendships that have changed over the past few years, it's like saying, "Thank you for supporting me and loving me. You were there for me when few people were. You stood by me when I felt alone and confused, when I was first exploring the ideas of depression and anxiety, before I even dared to think that maybe I might struggle with those frightening issues. Thank you for being there. Now I'm letting you go, so you can help others in the way you once helped me."

There will probably come a time in the next few months when my current support group will change, with the exception of my husband - he's stuck with me. I will say, "Thank you for supporting me and being my friend in a city where I didn't know anyone. Thank you for all the random shopping trips, adventures, and trips to Taco Bell. Thank you for getting in the car with me time and time again, even though we've almost died together due to my inability to drive in traffic more times than I can count. Thank you for all the times I asked, 'Can I text you tonight?' and you said, 'yes' and followed through. Thank you for telling me that I was worthy of love. Now I'm letting you go, so you can love others the way you once loved me."

 

Day 22/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

 

• Eating unhealthily (and by eating healthily, I don't even mean veggies and kale - I only mean eating regularly, not just eating junk food, and drinking water)
• Not getting enough sleep
• Reaching out to people who have no interest in continuing a relationship with me
• Neglecting the dirty dishes
• Beating myself up over past mistakes
• Listening to music that triggers my depression
• Telling myself that I am unloved or unworthy of love
• Telling myself that my friends don't really like me

That was interesting - I thought I'd only have a few things to write, but once I started, more came to mind. Even if you don't participate in any of the other days' challenges, I would encourage you to try this one out - you might learn something about yourself.

Day 20/31

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

 

I can take a few minutes to do something I enjoy - whether it's working on my new cosplay, coloring in my sloth book, listening to a favorite song, or writing a letter to one of my penpals. I think it's easy to overlook these little times to recharge as unhelpful or unnecessary, but they can be so useful!

Day 19/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

As a Christian, particularly one who believes that things will get worse and worse before they ever get better, the idea of "making the world a better place" can seem ridiculously optimistic. It's easy to see so much pain, suffering, and wrong in the world and think that there is no way that God can use me to make a difference. But even if I cannot impact an entire planet, I can impact the lives of those I interact with.

• I make a difference in the world when I love people by listening to their problems, offering a shoulder to cry on, and giving hugs when needed. I am all about building relationships, and the first step is often establishing trust by showing that I really do mean it when I say, "I'm here for you," "Text me if you need anything" or, "Is there any way I can help?" Loving people is about not only offering these things, but being prepared to follow up and do them.

• I try and think about the future when interacted with people - at the moment, this happens most often when training someone at work. I try and think about ways to equip this person for the future, not just for the present. How can I build them up and teach them skills that will help them grow as a person and not just as a coworker? How can I set them up for success not only at this job, but at the next job, at college, at home, etc.? I'm not joking when I call the kids I train my babies. I know I'm not responsible for their future or their choices, but I can still be a good influence and teach what I've learned.

•  Writing fiction is my first love, and even though I haven't had much time for novel crafting lately, I still plan to one day finish my books and change the world through stories.

•  After my first few months working in customer service, I quickly realized that most people are jerks, even if they don't mean to be. Honestly, unless you've worked in the service industry, you've probably never thought about how your words, tone, and actions can affect the person scanning your purchases, assembling your burrito, stocking shelves, or cleaning your table. The best thing that I, personally, can do - besides urging others to be kind - is to be kind myself. Sometimes I forget, but I always try and greet the person helping me with a smile and a friendly, "How are you?" Then I actually listen to their answer and respond accordingly.

•  I know not many people read this blog, but I hope that the ones who do are encouraged and uplifted. Even when I started blogging years ago, the number of "followers" never really interested me. What I treasured most were comments, even if they were short - proof that my writing really had helped someone. I hope that as I share my personal answers to each of these challenges (and J shares his thoughts as well) that you are inspired to continue accepting and loving yourself.

Day 18/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

For a Christian, this question should be a nonstarter. Unfortunately, I think many Christians - particularly those in America - fall into the lie that a better job, a bigger house, a nicer car, or even a different church, another child, or a little more money will make them "happy." However, as I mentioned in one of my previous posts, a believer's goal in life is not to be happy.

I honestly don't know what will make me "happy" - sometimes, buying something makes me feel happy. Other times, I feel guilty. Sometimes I eat ice cream and am filled with happiness. Other times, I just feel like throwing up afterwards. Sometimes when I hang out with my friends I feel happy. Other times, I feel alone.

I can try to avoid my triggers, make plans that sound fun at the time, and indulge in things that usually fill me with delight, but ultimately I don't know whether how these things will make me feel until I am living in that moment. So instead of desperately chasing after the elusive concept of happiness, I try to enjoy life as it comes and if I end up feeling nice, then I view it as a pleasant side effect of existence. (Yes, I know in Day 12 I made a "list of things that make me feel happy to be alive," but those are generalizations without guaranteed results).

Of course, there are still things I can do to help myself feel better, physically and emotionally, such as eating healthier, keeping a clean house, going outside, and spending time with friends. I'm not trying to negate the importance of these activities, simply pointing out that even if I do all of these requirements and more, I shouldn't feel like a failure if I don't feel amazing at the end of the day.

Day 17/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

I buy a lot of small things for myself, especially if I am stressed. I'm not sure if that really counts as "indulging myself" though, since I don't really do it to encourage or reward myself - I think my spontaneous spending habits are my mind's attempt to maintain control over something, even if it's just a few dollars.

However, last month I bought a ticket to see my favorite musical, Dear Evan Hansen* on its first national tour. I had saved up my babysitting money from August - January, but even though I could afford it, I still felt guilty spending so much money on myself. In fact, I almost backed out. But in a little over two weeks, I'll be taking the train downtown for the experience of a lifetime, and I can't wait! One of my best friends is coming with me; we are going to dress up, go out to eat, and hopefully not freeze our butts off.

* It's only the best musical ever - also proof that you can write a story about mental health, depression, and suicide in a way that's gracious and beautiful and raw without risking the suicide contagion effect. That being said, I think the story can definitely be triggering and it's important to take your own mental health into account before you read, watch, or listen to anything - but I also believe that Dear Evan Hansen handles unpopular and uncomfortable subjects in the most graceful way possible.

Day 16/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

The most loving thing I've ever done for myself was scheduling an appointment with a psychologist my doctor had recommended. I had tried going to therapy in the past, but we hadn't been a good fit - looking back, I'm also not sure I was ready to put in the effort to change myself. In fact, when I met Dr. A in fall of 2017, I told him that I'd only made the appointment as a favor to J, who was my fiancé at the time. But through our sessions I learned so much about myself and I grew so much as a person. I'm not sure I would be here today if I hadn't met Dr. A and learned techniques that would help me manage my anxiety and depression. 

Maybe that isn't the answer you were expecting, but I hate bubble baths and scented candles.

Day 15/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

I'm afraid to ask for help. A few months ago, I texted to one of my best friends, "Please talk to me tonight. I need you," and that was one of the hardest texts I have ever written. I typed and sent the message in a matter of seconds because if I'd thought about it too long, I would've talked myself out of it.

I find it very hard to reach out to friends and family because one of my greatest fears is bothering people or being a burden to them. Logically, I know that asking for help is not really bothersome or burdensome - especially since for the most part, I'm only asking someone to keep me company by texting or calling me. But when I'm in need of support, my depression and anxiety have already gotten the best of me, and those voices tell me, "You're not worth it. Your friends don't really love you - not if they really knew what you are really like. You shouldn't bother them. They have more important things to do. They wouldn't really notice if you were gone tomorrow - they might be sad for a while, but they'd be happier in the end."

However, I have asked for help recently, even if it was difficult. I need to continue speaking up for myself and when I need support, as well as being honest about myself and my mental health. It's much easier to write about the concept of depression in a blog post than to talk about my personal fears and struggles face-to-face, even though I am blessed with a very understanding husband and close friends to support me.

J wrote, "I love you!" on my wrist when I was going through a difficult time mentally - 2015

Day 14/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

I guess it depends how we're defining "younger self"... If, say, we're talking about me in elementary school, I would be proud of myself for continuing to be creative and imaginative. Although I'm not creative in the same way (I don't make things out of cardboard and recyclables anymore), I enjoy crafting characters in my novels and imagining scenarios, stories, and events. So even though I don't have much time to make crafts anymore, I still make things for people to enjoy. And I still think that nine-year-olds are some of the coolest little people on the planet.

Preteen me would probably think it's cool that I have a job, because of the idea of having that much money would be pretty impressive (even though it almost all goes towards insurance, gas money, and other boring but necessary elements of being an adult). I would also think that getting to go to McDonald's more than once every six months is pretty "coolio" too.

Teenage me would wonder why I stopped wearing bright blue eyeshadow and cheap mascara, but have to agree that the addition of lipstick - instead of sparkly strawberry lip gloss - is a little classier. She would also think it's amazing that I married my high school sweetheart.

Young adult me, i.e., myself several years ago, would be proud that I finally went to therapy, came to terms with the fact I struggle with depression, and didn't quit my job even though I wanted to.

Me as in a few weeks ago... I'm proud that I'm still here. That even though life isn't easy and often the simple act of existing seems too much, the fact is I made it; I'm still here, writing to you. I have many things left to see, experience, and accomplish. One of my first accomplishments of 2019 will be completing the 31 Days of Self Love, and after that - who knows?

Day 13/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

Well... I like my smile, it looks very natural! To be honest, I can't really think of anything else to write. I can think of a dozen things I would like to change, edit, or remove from this photo, but since I can't say any of that, I guess today's post will just be very short.

Growing up, I can remember adults saying, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." I once saw a video that explored the idea that the negative thoughts you say to yourself are words you would never say to a friend. How often do I say mean things about myself, when in actuality I should simply be silent?

Day 12/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

11. What things make you feel happy to be alive?

• Helping others - one of the best feelings in the world is the moment when people open up to me after I've spent a long time building a relationship with them
• When my hubby says something especially sweet or loving to me
• Eating chocolate
• When I'm playing a game against my very competitive husband and I actually win!
• When my friends truly want to hang out with me
• Finding a really good deal at a thrift store
• Cuddling my family's dog 
• When I play a hard song on the piano without making too many mistakes
• When someone compliments my singing voice

Ultimately, however, life is not about happiness. For me, the opposite of depression is not happiness - after all, Christians are not called to be happy. We are called to a life of self-sacrifice, hardship, and joy, but not happiness. You'll notice that many of my bullet points are about feelings because that's what happiness is - a feeling. While I don't think the giddiness of loving life is a negative quality, it's also not something I should be chasing. I can enjoy it when it comes, but really should be searching for joy - learning how to be content with my circumstances and trusting in the Lord, even if life isn't exactly the way I would have chosen.

J's Thoughts:

My wife summarized my thoughts and beliefs perfectly and succinctly.

Day 11/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

She is a great friend - she will always be there for you with a hug, an encouraging thought, or a bar of chocolate. She has a fantastic sense of humor that is 70% sarcastic, 20% punny, and occasionally a little dirty. She is a hard worker who takes her job seriously, but isn't afraid to have fun. She has an uncanny ability to remember things you've said, small details about yourself, and events - even if you've forgotten them. She's very sensitive, but she feels very deeply. She's also a talented writer who enjoys crafting fiction. She's an absolute nerd for cosplay, Lord of the Rings, Dear Evan Hansen, and Pokèmon. She tries really hard to act "cool", but she's really just a dork...and secretly, she's proud of it.