J and I are very different in our views of friends. One evidence of this is the fact that I have 560 friends on FaceBook, and J has 126, which he says is about 26 too many. For me, a friend is practically anyone I meet - I am quick to care for and invest in people. I am definitely the "Mom Friend," as I frequently offer ibuprofen, feminine products, throat lozenges, Band-Aids, and at times Aloe vera cream to my friends and coworkers. Though J has many people has mentored and invested in over the years, he has chosen them carefully so that he is able to truly know them and take the time to help them. J has two people in the world he refers to as his "best friends" - myself, and his best friend he has known since childhood. I don't think it's wrong to have more than one best friend, however - I have a multitude of people I refer to as my besties, including family members, friends from high school, and coworkers.
Though it's my personality to be giving of myself, it's hard for me to open up to other people for fear of burdening them with my problems. Unfortunately, I tend to bottle up my emotions until something small and insignificant triggers a release of frustration, fear, and anger that has been hidden away for weeks or months. Recently, I have been feeling frustrated because it has been hard for me to connect with many of my friends. Although I have gone on brunch dates and shopping trips, I still feel as if these people like me but don't really care for me. Though they may enjoy spending time with me or viewing my Snapchat story, I don't feel that they could care enough for me to, for example, stay up until 2 a.m. talking to me if I was sad and couldn't sleep.
A "2 a.m. friend" is the kind of friend I am to almost everyone I meet. I don't say this to brag, because it's something I honestly enjoy doing. But I am realizing that it is impossible to be this kind of friend to everyone. I am always willing to pour into others, but I'm realizing that perhaps it isn't wise to pour into everyone, because doing so has left me frustrated and empty. I have to realize it's not my job to fix everything, and that's okay. God has put many people in my life whom I have been able to show His love to, leaving me incredibly thankful. But right now, I want to be present in my relationships 100% - I honestly think that investing in a few people is much wiser than, for example, trying to stay in touch with everyone you've ever met through social media. I am learning that even though not all of my friends are willing to be "2 a.m. friends," that doesn't mean they don't love me or care about me. They might be investing in or loving on someone else.
I'm not writing this post to say that social media is bad, or that having lots of friends or followers is wrong. This post is simply dedicated to all of the beautiful givers of this world. Maybe you're an ISFJ like me who always volunteers to help, but ends up feeling resentful that no one wants to help back. Maybe you're an INFJ like my husband, who deeply loves people, but who also needs alone time in order to recharge. Maybe you're an Enneagram Type 2 who is always willing to help, but finds it hard to ask for help. Maybe you've been giving, giving, and giving lately, and you're feeling angry or depressed because it seems like no one appreciates or notices you. Maybe you've been showing God's love to someone whom you dislike, and yet it feels like it's pointless. Maybe you feel overwhelmed by the challenges and burdens of this life, and it seems that the things you do to fight against the darkness are paltry in comparison.
This post is for you, to tell you that you are appreciated. You are noticed. You are loved, even if your anxious brain tells you otherwise. It's okay to take time for yourself. The idea of self care has always made me a little uncomfortable, because I feel guilty doing things for myself. But "self care" doesn't necessarily mean going to a spa or lighting expensive candles - for my very introverted husband, self-care is getting enough sleep and spending time alone; it can also include Taco Bell, video games, and snuggling. For me, an ambivert, it can be spending time with people or being alone, depending on my mood. Sometimes it means asking for a hug or a phone call. Sometimes it means chocolate.
I asked my husband to read this post, and he requested that I add this: think about the people in your life who are pouring into you. Take the time to think of the people who build you up, strengthen you, encourage you, challenge you, and love on you. It might take you a few moments to realize who these people are, but they exist. Thank them. Tell the you noticed, that you appreciate them, that you love them. Then rest in the knowledge that you are cared for + loved. Without the peace that comes from this gentle, reassuring rest, the other aspects of self-care will fall short.
I asked my husband to read this post, and he requested that I add this: think about the people in your life who are pouring into you. Take the time to think of the people who build you up, strengthen you, encourage you, challenge you, and love on you. It might take you a few moments to realize who these people are, but they exist. Thank them. Tell the you noticed, that you appreciate them, that you love them. Then rest in the knowledge that you are cared for + loved. Without the peace that comes from this gentle, reassuring rest, the other aspects of self-care will fall short.
Take care of yourself, because then you will be able to do what you love - to be there for others 100%.
Good post. I would also add that as you evaluate your friendships, keep in mind that we have a tendency to 'romanticize' or 'idealize' them. In other words, sometimes we think we're closer to someone than we actually are. One example of each:
ReplyDelete1. I romanticized my relationship with my biological dad and his family because I desperately wanted something I had been lacking in my life and I expected us to be close, like super tight close, but that's just not the case. They still treat me differently just because I wasn't raised by them and therefore we have a different relationship. My husband alerted me to this way of thinking on my part which was really helpful so that I could stop being frustrated at the lack of care that I perceived, but in reality it was quite normal for the non-traditional relationship we have.
2. Someone else has done the same thing to me, thinking we are super close and should have a certain type of relationship when, in fact, we are not. If she was looking clearly at our relational history, she would see that most of the effort for our relationship was me making myself available and when something isn't reciprocated, I tend to lose energy and stop. She was really angry when moved out of the country and doesn't seem to see that we've never actually been that close or that her ideal notion of our relationship was for the sake of our kids' relationship and not hers and mine. I would go to a different city to spend a weekend with her every single month but she would only come my way if there was a specific celebration happening. Talking with her was me asking a billion questions trying to draw her heart out but she rarely even asked those same questions back to me... and yet, she seems to think we have had a ideal relationship and are closer than we actually are. In one way, I got super tired of chasing her. In another way, she idealized our friendship because she was the one being pursued in friendship but it wasn't reciprocated like a real friendship is. So, truly seeing relationships for what they actually are is important in knowing their real status as well.
Lastly, in the end, even our closest best friends and spouses don't hold a candle to the attitude and love that God has for us. If we aren't comfortable in our identity in Christ and that our worth and value can ONLY come from Him, then we won't be happy with any relationships that we find ourselves in. Human beings fail, but the love of God is never ending and never failing. Our relationship with Him is the only one that can make us feel truly loved and whole. Let's not forget that very important truth.
You've expressed so well what I've been feeling lately. I also realized that because I poured into other friendships and relationships for so long and didn't get anything in return (right or wrong), that now I am reluctant to do much of anything for anyone other than my children. Perhaps that is partly my age as well as a kind of cynicism. I do know that doing as into the Lord helps with my attitude.
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