letter to my love

I found this post, which I wrote a few years ago and never published. I thought it would be fitting to post now, since I've been writing about living simply.  

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  First of all, I know you don't really like writing stuff in public. So I apologize for this. It just came to my mind and flowed out of my fingers and here it is. I hope you don't mind.
Less than a week into our relationship, we made a promise to each other: no secrets. We were to have complete honesty with each other. I don't always keep my promise, but I'm working on it. I've gotten better. Now I tell you almost everything, unless it's girl stuff. And sometimes I tell you that, too. So here we go, my confession:  sometimes I wish we could have nice things. Our relationship is everything I've wanted and more than I could've imagined. You are honest, hard-working, gentlemanly, thoughtful, and caring. You are willing to one day be my provider and leader. You don't walk away from me when I'm crying, and you don't leave me when I'm upset. You're in this for the long haul. You help me work through my many insecurities and fears instead of discounting them as silly or irrelevant. You reassure and affirm me even if it takes an entire evening. You show love to others too - your friends know you as reliable and loyal. You're open and truthful. Most importantly, you love God and desire to serve Him. I hope that I give as much to you as you give to me. I love you and everything about you. I confess that sometimes I wish that we could have nice things. Sometimes I wish that we could give each other expensive gifts and see the world together. Sometimes I wish we could have a nice house for our kids. And a fancy car for you, since I know you like them so much.  I've struggled with contentment for as long as I can remember. Often I still find myself believing the lie that having the next item or the next experience will give me the happiness I long for. But it's true that you can't buy happiness. No item in the world, no trip or event or experience will ever bring true happiness. It might bring a thrill for a few minutes, but it will soon pass to replaced once again by the familiar yearning for something greater. Sometimes I believe that about us - that if I could be a little prettier, or that if we lived a little closer to one another, or if we could buy nice things one day, that I will be completely happy. But Christians aren't called to be "happy" in our life here on earth. We are called to follow God and live His way no matter the costs. He has given me salvation, which is all I need to be truly content. Even so He has chosen to give me many other blessings, including my greatest blessing of all, you.  In the end I realize that I don't need nice things. We don't need to go to fancy restaurants to have a romantic date - we can have just as much fun sitting on the roof looking at stars or taking goofy selfies while grocery shopping. We don't have to buy each other diamonds and silk ties to show our love - acts of kindness and handwritten letters will do just as well. We don't need a big house someday - the genuine love that our family will hold for each other will be enough. I still want to go to Paris and New Zealand with you, but if we never get to go, that's okay too. Because I don't need to see the world when I know that someday I will be able to wake up and see my world lying beside me - because you are my world. I would not trade you for all of earth's treasures. I would not chose anyone else to be a father to my children. I would not ask anyone else to hold me when I cry tears of self-hate, frustration, or sorrow. I would not exchange the thoughtful gifts you have given me for any other things, no matter how "nice".  Because at the end of the day, I would rather spend the rest of my life with you, in our small home with a beat-up minivan, than anywhere or with anyone else.  ♥

home

I just want to go home. 

Why am I no longer "home," you might ask?

Well, on May 20 I married my best friend on one of the loveliest days of my life. I woke up that morning and had a leisurely breakfast with two of my dear friends. Then I spent the morning and early afternoon getting ready with my two maids of honor, three bridesmaids, and awesome flower girl. We stuffed my big, poofy dress into a Honda and drove to a nearby park that we'd practiced driving to multiple times so that we wouldn't get lost. It was raining, so I put on my bright red rain boots instead of my turquoise heels. I and my sweet photographer trekked through the muddy grass until we reached my future husband, looking handsome in a grey suit and turned away from me. I came up behind him and we had the "big reveal" -- then we stood there, looking at each other, giggling like children.

The ceremony went off without any major hitches. I walked down the aisle to the opener of one of my favorite anime, arranged for cello, violin, and piano. Our pastor shared the gospel as part of our wedding, which had been our most important request. We shared an awkward kiss (not our first, but awkward enough that people asked if it was!) and left the church as Mr. and Mrs.

The reception was a grand party of Hobbiton proportions - I am quite the introvert, and surprised myself by actually enjoying the music and dancing and staying longer than we'd originally intended. Eventually we exited to a flurry of glow sticks. We honeymooned in the Wisconsin Dells in off-season, which served as a pleasant getaway and a chance for us to spend some alone time. After we returned, J started his internship and I continued working. At the end of the summer, we packed away or packed up most of our things, climbed into a pickup truck (betta fish included) and drove to a big city 500 miles away so that J can finish school. 

Moving is always a big change. Growing up in a military family, I've moved several times growing up. But this time, it's different. I left my best friends and my coworkers/second family. I left my mom and dad. For the first time, I'm alone in the house when J is at school. I don't have a job now, and I'm no longer doing school. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be like this - wandering around Wal-Mart searching for a toilet plunger because you know that when you need it, you'll need it (we never did find one), feeling like I’m in a completely different culture because people are ready to run you over with their shopping carts and their cars, and trying to make dinner realizing too late that I didn't put a can opener on the wedding registry. 

For someone who hates change and experiences intense anxiety, it's been mostly a nightmare. I thought getting a job might help, but I've procrastinated doing that because I can always find an excuse why I should just wait “until tomorrow.” I've met people who I know will be very special friends in the future, but right now, I feel like time is not on my side. I thought getting a pet would help - perhaps knowing that a life depended on me and loved me would help me get out of bed in the morning. But that idea was crushed, and I'm back where I started from. 

There's a saying - "Time changes everything." Time can heal almost anything, too. But right now, I feel like time is not on my side, because a person that lives with anxiety can only see the present. Right now, I just want to go home.

friends first

Originally posted September 8, 2015

Several weeks ago, one of my close friends invited me to an end of summer party. There were to be games, s'mores, a campfire, and lots of fun! So after work, J and I headed off to the party, cookies in tow. Once we arrived, I enjoyed catching up with some of my high school peers and officially introducing my boyfriend. After a few hours of hanging out, I was reminiscing freshman year with one of my friends when she asked us a question. "Do you have any advice for two people who are interested in dating?"  The question surprised me, so naturally I laughed and said, "If he offers you gum, take it. And if you get the opportunity to shove whipped cream in his face, do it." (That's how J and I met...don't ask). But J's answer surprised me. He said, "Be friends first." He is right. So many potentially beautiful friendships are ruined by infatuation, emotion, and a desire to be close to someone. The teenage and young adult years are filled with many changes - emotional changes, life changes, and growth in character. It's the sometimes difficult transformation from a child to adult. Often, what a young person needs in the midst of all this is not a relationship. What they really need is a good friend - not just someone take them to the movies or the mall, but someone who will be there even when it's not easy. Someone who will listen to them and help them. A person whom they trust and who trusts them in return. A like-minded Christian who will hold them accountable and encourage them to grow in their relationship with the Lord.   Ladies, if you surround yourself with godly companions, perhaps one of the young men who have walked with you through the difficult years of change will become your "someone special" - but even if he does not, you will still have a trustworthy close friend. You don't need to date a bunch of young men to find out what kind of guy you like; you don't need to be in multiple relationships to find out how to be a good girlfriend. If you are following the Lord, He will direct you towards someone who also loves Him. If you are a good friend, then you'll already know how to be a good girlfriend.   J and I had been friends for four years when we began our courtship. In our first year together, I learned that we still had a lot of growing up to do. But I honestly think we would not be as strong as we are if we had not been simply friends first. Of course there was an attraction, there had been for a long time. But because we became close friends first and didn't hurry into a relationship, we were able to stand by each other, encourage each other, and learn to trust each other. Yes, maybe there is something to be said for assuring nosy friends and relatives that you and the person you like are "just friends", because perhaps that is how it should begin. 

courtship is not a cookie cutter

Originally posted January 3, 2015

June 02, 2014. 8:45 p.m. His car pulls up to the house and he parks by the curb. He climbs out and closes the door behind him. I kind of can't stop smiling. He asks my parents if we can go on a walk. We proceed a few feet down the sidewalk before he says, "The cat's kind of out of the bag now, so... will you be my girlfriend?"

Rewind to earlier in the day, where I've just gotten off the phone to find out that I've been offered a job that I recently interviewed for. "We have some news for you," my mom says. Naturally, I start to worry. News? Is someone sick? Dying? Dead? "No, it's good news," she assures me, and goes on to tell me that "a young man" is interested in courting me. And as soon as I find out who it is, I kind of start crying.

First Official "Date"

And so began the most exciting eight months of my life (so far :)). It hasn't always been easy, but the best part about it is that we have each other and we are excited to see where God will lead us.

But in the midst of this sappy post, I thought I'd share a few things I've learned through the courtship process so far. One of the most surprising things I've learned is...

Courtship is not a cookie cutter. "Well, duh," you might think. But what that simple statement entails is so much that I did not expect. It's that every courtship is different. It can be very different. And that's okay.

I am a legalistic person by nature; I am rule-oriented and am most comfortable when all rules are followed. I also hate conflict. I desire to learn the right thing to do, then do it, then encourage everyone else to do the exact same thing, so that a) everyone will be following the rules b) there is no conflict. However, I learned that my approach is not ideal, practical, or even necessarily right!

There are quite a few Biblical guidelines about relationships - we are told to flee sexual immorality (1 Cor 6:18, 1 Thess 4:3-5) and to put to death "fornication, uncleanness, passion...evil desire..." (Col 3:, NKJV). Proverbs 4:28 says, "Keep your heart with all diligence, [f]or out of it spring the issues of life." We are also told to love others selflessly - "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you..." (John 13:34).

When I first began to learn more about purity - not only physical, but emotional purity as well - I read Before You Meet Prince Charming by Sarah Mally. Then I read It's (Not That) Complicated by the Botkin Sisters, and the famous I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Josh Harris. Almost everything the books said about relationships and purity made sense, and I agreed with it. Then, shortly after my courtship began, this article - Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed - started floating around social media. At first, I was offended by the title, but eventually I decided to read it, deciding before I read the first word that I would disagree wholeheartedly when everything the article said. Then my boyfriend and my mother both read it, and said it brought up some valid points! I was frustrated that not everything could agree. Then slowly, I began to realize something.

Each relationship is different, because God made everyone unique. Although a relationship should include guidelines and rules, one of the most important (and perhaps often overlooked) is the heart. Not in the "follow your heart" sense, but your heart motives. It's much easier for me to set up a bunch of rules and try to follow them than to discern whether or not my heart is in the right place. Are you seeking to glorify God in this relationship?

My relationship might look different than yours. We hold hands. We go on "dates". We call each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". He tickles me when I'm upset. I send him letters with weird doodles. We nerd out about Lord of the Rings together. And we have invented an economy of optimism (don't even ask). Does my relationship look different than yours? Most definitely. Is that okay? If our hearts are in the right place, then I think its safe to say, yes.