Day 29/31 of Self Love

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My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

Last year in our church's young adult married couple's class, we discussed crafting a "mission statement" for our family. J and I loved the idea, and although we never finished our full statement, I remember our core values included "living simply" and "seeking truth." The words and beliefs I personally want to live my life by of course include following God, loving Him, being a help-meet to my husband, and one day raising our children to love God too.

My current focus for January-February is learning to accept myself. After this month, I'll move on to working on simplifying my life, starting with my physical possessions in hopes of also clearing some oy mental clutter as well. After that, J will be graduating college and we will be officially starting our ministry together. I know there will be new challenges, but also new opportunities to grow.

Day 28/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

To be honest, I'm not sure I have any role models per say, but I can name a few people who have inspired me and helped me, particularly during my formative preteen/teenage years. One of them is a wonderful Christian lady who basically mentored me through middle school and part of high school. She ran an online "Bible Reading Club" for girls, choosing books of the Bible to study, passages to read, and questions to answer for years. She would faithfully copy and paste in our answers/responses, answering our questions, and gently guiding us back to the subject matter if our hyperactive tween brains became a little sidetracked. I can think of a dozen ways that she is different than me - she is much kinder, wiser, and sweeter, to name a few - but in a way that we are similar is that we are both very loyal. She hardly ever missed a day in the four or five years I was part of the Bible Reading Club - the few times she did travel out of town, she would have a friend post our Bible reading schedules. She was very diligent to always check in with us, and I really appreciated her loyalty. I'm a rather stubborn person, but occasionally that can be a good thing - once I start something, I like to finish it, and I hope one day that if I am able to minister to young ladies in the way my mentor did, that I will be faithful in doing it every day.

Day 27/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

The answer to this question is a choice that I'm already in the process of implementing - it's letting go of the past and looking towards the future. I am an incredibly loyal person and it is very hard for me to let go of previous relationships and friendships, particularly close ones. But even though it is possible to keep in touch with dozens of people who have once been part of my life, that doesn't necessarily mean it is necessary or even beneficial - to either party. I need to continue moving forwards because my future isn't in the past but in the present. A very cliché quote that inspires me nonetheless is, "Don't look back - you're not going that way." And this is only in an earthly sense - in a spiritual sense, it makes even more sense to keep moving forward.

C.S. Lewis said, "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." That is so true - anything wonderful, beautiful, or incredible that happens here on earth is nothing compared to spending eternity with Christ one day. We shouldn't be afraid of moving forward because God holds the future and even though our Christian lives may not be easy, they can be filled with joy.

Day 26/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

I used to be ashamed about my mental health issues, at least in the sense of being in denial and refusing to admit that I might struggle with depression. Once I came to terms with my less than pleasant state of mental health, I became defensive about my struggles, which make it difficult for me to reach out for help because I felt like everyone wanted to judge or "fix" me. Even though I'm open about my thoughts and fears online, I'm not as open in person unless specifically asked. However, I don't think it's an issue of shame for me, I think it's an issue of trust - I'm afraid to bring up the subject out of the many instances when I've offhandedly mentioned my struggles with anxiety or panic attacks and been told, "You shouldn't be anxious; I have so much more stress than you do" or "You just need to not take things so personally."

I think the part of myself that I am most ashamed of is my jealousy, because I know logically that it's ridiculous, and yet I still feel angry and upset when I think that a friend or a family member likes someone else more than they like me. But honestly this stems from the fact that I don't like myself, and I don't think that anyone else could possibly like me either - so why wouldn't they drop me at the first chance? It's something that I'm working through, albeit rather slowly.

I had no idea what a "shadow self" was, but a quick internet search told me it's the "dark side" or negative aspects of oneself. That sounds kind of New Age-y to me, and I'd rather not use that terminology. I think everyone has certain sins that they are more likely to struggle with, and that doesn't make us a better or a worse sinner; it just means we have to be careful. For me, those sins are jealousy, being self-centered, gossiping, not trusting in God, not being content, and not respecting my husband, to name a few - all of which do not make up a very pleasant person, but all of which can be worked through and conquered by the power of the Holy Spirit. Thankfully, we serve a loving God who forgives our sins and takes our shame away - what an incredible gift!

Day 25/31 of Self-Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

• Writing fiction
• Drawing/painting 
• Playing piano
• Playing guitar (kind of)
• Noticing when people are sad
• Remembering little details about people's likes/dislikes, conversations, events, etc.
• Losing my phone
• Finding the perfect gift for someone
• Giving head rubs (you can ask my husband, because he's the only one who would know)
• Sarcasm
• Making puns

Day 24/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

First, can I choose who says this to me? Because I want to point out that my family and husband frequently and often tell me how much they love and appreciate me. But my anxiety says, "These people only say this because they're your family - they have to say these things. Your husband only says these words because, though he may sincerely believe it, he's a bit misguided. I mean, he married you after all! So he's obviously a little bit addled in the head." Even though I know logically it's my anxiety talking to me, I still emotionally think those lies are true. So I would prefer if this came from a close friend who is not closely related or married to me.

"I love you. I love the way you act when you are tired enough to not care what anyone thinks about you, when you are 100% comfortable in your own skin, when you walk into Hot Topic after swearing you aren't going to spend anymore money, when you get all embarrassed ordering your drink from Starbucks because you think it's too "basic," when you snatch a candy bar from the aisle and throw it into the cart hoping I won't notice. I love how you care about others, even people you'll probably never see again. I love how you are so affronted when people drive below the speed limit, but almost cry if someone honks at you. I love how you feel deeply, even if it's over something seemingly trivial, like an insect that can't fly or a bird that's fallen from its nest. I love how you're so smart but so dumb sometimes, especially about yourself. I wish you knew how much I loved you, and I wish you loved yourself half as much as I do."

Day 23/31 of Self Love

Read this post for an explanation!

My Definition of Self Love - Learning not to hate yourself; being okay with past mistakes, but not repeating them; refusing to use current failures as fuel for self-hate and instead using them as opportunities to improve; and reminding yourself, "You are loved, you are valuable, and you are God's child."

 

My support system is primarily my husband, followed by two very close friends. I recently made my support system stronger by actually making it smaller - I removed people who, though they have been supportive and loving towards me in the past, were unable to continue this level of friendship over the span of hundreds of miles. Although I was sad to know that I could no longer rely on these people to respond to an urgent text or a request for a phone call, it also served as  great relief - instead of feeling unloved by their inability to support me, it freed me from my anger and allowed me to say, "If this person never texts me back, I am still worthy of love. If we're not as close as we used to be, that's all right. If we only talk once in a while or on holidays, that's okay."

I'm reminded of Marie Kondo's book, The Magic of Tidying Up, where she encourages readers to let go of their items not with sadness, but gratefulness. For me, looking at the friendships that have changed over the past few years, it's like saying, "Thank you for supporting me and loving me. You were there for me when few people were. You stood by me when I felt alone and confused, when I was first exploring the ideas of depression and anxiety, before I even dared to think that maybe I might struggle with those frightening issues. Thank you for being there. Now I'm letting you go, so you can help others in the way you once helped me."

There will probably come a time in the next few months when my current support group will change, with the exception of my husband - he's stuck with me. I will say, "Thank you for supporting me and being my friend in a city where I didn't know anyone. Thank you for all the random shopping trips, adventures, and trips to Taco Bell. Thank you for getting in the car with me time and time again, even though we've almost died together due to my inability to drive in traffic more times than I can count. Thank you for all the times I asked, 'Can I text you tonight?' and you said, 'yes' and followed through. Thank you for telling me that I was worthy of love. Now I'm letting you go, so you can love others the way you once loved me."