fairness & fertility

This is a more serious post. Please read with discretion.
I wish I was infertile. Yes, I am a family-minded, conservative Christian young lady. Yes, my dream job is being a wife and stay-at-home mother. Yes, I talk about my "someday children" frequently. Yes, I have a boyfriend  and we are very serious about our relationship. In fact, he recently met with my parents to discuss our future engagement. No, I don't wish for infertility so we can have premarital intimacy without consequences.  When I was nine years old, I was diagnosed with cancer. When I was ten years old, I was told that the chemotherapy had damaged my heart. When I was twelve years old, I was told that because of this, it would be unsafe for me to conceive. When I was sixteen years old, this was confirmed when I had a massive cardiac arrest and spent a week in the ICU. God did a miracle for me by preventing me from having any brain damage, even though I had gone a significant amount of time without oxygen. Friends and family praised God for the great miracle He had done. Though I began taking daily medicines for my heart condition, I was declared completely healed. Some of my newly-married friends and acquaintances are currently expecting their first children. Though I am very excited for them, I also feel resentful that that will never be me. I will never buy maternity clothes, show off my baby bump on Facebook, or announce that "my baby is now the size of a kumquat". I will never look at my infant and discuss whether he or she has my eyes or my nose or my chin. My pen-pal recently told me that she had been completely healed of her heart condition. She will be able to live to an old age as well as bear children. 

Several of my friends have recently become engaged even though they have not been in a relationship as long as I have. They also plan to get married before graduating college. To me, it seems like they have it all - the future career, the soon-to-be husband, and the gorgeous engagement photos. Surely they are busy discussing their wedding - the guests, the decorations, the ceremony, the music. Surely they aren't gathered in the living room discussing which birth control options would be certain to prevent conception.  My mom says that these kinds of conversations are just "part of life", as if having to discuss birth control before I'm even engaged should be considered normal. As if I shouldn't be upset that I even know what a vasectomy is. As if I shouldn't feel guilty. As if I shouldn't be tempted to remain an awkward, single virgin for eternity. No, these discussions aren't simply "part of life" - they are part of my life.  It just doesn't seem fair, does it? Unfairness is just part of life, I guess. Yes, I am angry at God. I am angry that I can't have children, that I wasn't healed completely, and that I can't get married right away. I am angry because my sinful nature says that I don't deserve this.  My sinful nature says that I deserve to be able to have children with my husband. I deserve to have a perfectly healthy heart. I deserve to get married when I want to. I deserve to have the life that everyone around me seemingly has. That would be fair, after all. But you know what?
I'm glad life isn't fair. Humans are really "into" this concept of fairness. It's intrinsic in our nature - any child given a smaller cookie than another child will be quick to tell you, "That isn't fair!" Any adult that sees a seemingly unworthy coworker promoted while they are not will be quick to decide, "That isn't fair!" Any young man or woman who sees a peer with something they want but do not have will be quick to conclude, "That isn't fair!"  Although we might be tempted to think He just doesn't "get" it, God knows a lot about what's "fair" and "not fair". God is the Creator - He makes the rules. Finite humans may think that they make the rules, but they don't. In fact, finite humans are pretty good at breaking God's rules. Since God is just (aka fair), He has to punish wrongdoing. My sinful nature tells me that I deserve a lot of things, but the truth is that I only deserve one thing: death.  But thank God that life isn't fair. Because God sent His Son to take our place. Talk about unfairness - Jesus, the King of the World, came to earth in the form of a human. He didn't have wealth or prosperity, a nice house or a nice life. He had to wait years to begin His ministry. Then He was punished for something He had never done, for sin He had never committed.  And in the face of all that, maybe my small complaints don't seem so impressive.  Yes, sometimes I am angry at God. Yes, sometimes I wish I was infertile, because at least we wouldn't be discussing birth control options during a pre-engagement counseling session. Yes, sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. But even though I don't understand why, I can know this: that God loves me enough that He gave His only Son so that I would not have to receive what I truly deserve. That even though the lives of my peers seem so much more appealing, God loves me and is doing what He knows is best for me. And that my boyfriend loves me and that he will do whatever he has to in order to keep me safe.  And I suppose that's much more than fair.