the girl i used to be

Once, I met someone who reminded me of the person I used to be. She was bubbly, kind, sweet, and fun to be around... She remembered little details about myself even though we hardly knew each other, and she was talkative and outgoing. Whenever she mentioned something rough she was going through, she was quick to add that of course God was still in control and that she was trusting in Him. I loved being around her, but I also felt a pang of guilt. She reminded me of the myself three years ago, and it was easy for me to see that the girl I was in 2014 is not the person who I am today.

A lot has happened in the past three years - good things, rough things, hard things, frustrating things, and beautiful things. I was in a long distance relationship with my now-husband and learning how to communicate with each other is something that we are still working on. Being long distance wasn't extremely hard at first, but as we grew closer and closer, it became harder and harder. We struggled with whether or not we would be able to have children. I came to terms with the fact that my mental health is not always at its best. I also finally realized that I was in a situation where I was being taken advantage of. As they say, "hindsight is the best sight" - looking back, I can clearly see how I had been manipulated and hurt. Today I'm still bitter about it. More recently, I struggled to distinguish myself as the person I am now versus the person I used to be. Not everyone was willing to see that I had changed.

The other day, I asked J, "Is it bad that I'm not that person anymore?" What I really meant was: should I feel guilty because I don't feel obligated to speak Christianese every time I open my mouth? Should I feel guilty that I am not bubbly, optimistic, and naive anymore? Should I feel guilty because sometimes I am depressed and anxious and I have come to terms with this? Should I feel guilty because I have changed?

The answer is: no. We aren't made to stay the same. That's why we grow up. That's why children become adults. That's why friendships grow stronger and relationships grow deeper. Life is ever-changing, and we are ever-changing, whether we realize it or not. The fact that I am not the girl I used to be is just a fact of life.

Sometimes I feel like I am broken now, like I can't be fixed, and if only I went back to who I used to be, everything would be okay. But that's not true, because even though I may feel broken now, one day that brokenness will be changed into something else, something beautiful. Though I may be bitter now, one day that bitterness will be changed into forgiveness. Though I may struggle with my mental health right now, one day all of that will be gone.

The girl I used to be and the woman I am now are not the same person.

And that's okay.