i'm [not] fine

“I’m Fine”

25/01/15

The water’s getting deeper now

I can hardly stand

At first it was just droplets

Spattering upon my hands

But now the waves crash towards me

As the ocean tide comes in

I’m trying hard to fight it

But I can hardly swim

The darkness deep inside my heart

Becomes an all-consuming sea

What first came soft and gentle

Now covers all of me

I hide behind my makeup

And the all too practiced smile

I stand tall and strong to all who see

My heart panics all the while

The thoughtful looks and how are you’s

People are all too kind

They ask my health and send best wishes

Can’t let them know what’s in my mind

I spit the water from my throat

And shake it from my eyes

It’s been so long, I’m tired now

“Give up!” the darkness in me cries

Now as I gasp and gulp for air,

The water’s hard to tread

I know that I should call for help,

But I struggle on instead

With my last breaths I glance towards shore

There's still a little time

But instead I muster up and smile

And tell them all, “I’m fine.”

* * *

I have struggled with depression on-and-off since 2009, but in the autumn of 2014, it became more of an "on" than "off". The poem written above was not originally meant to be published and before today has only been shown to my boyfriend. It wasn't until March 2015 that I told my parents about my struggles. They were surprised, but not traumatized. They took me to a few counseling sessions, but I decided that mood charts weren't really my thing. We started a Bible study together, but it didn't really seem to change anything. Living with depression started to become the "new normal" to me. The familiar feeling of despair in the back of my mind kept me company. Some days I felt better than others. Some days I drove home with the windows down and the music blaring and said to myself, "See? Everything is going to be okay." Other days I called my boyfriend and cried.
But over time, my depression became worse and worse. Last Friday is the lowest I have ever experienced. Through tears I wrote, 

I am not suicidal. It's just that sometimes I feel like life is pointless. I have a good life - loving family, caring boyfriend, job, friends, etc. But sometimes I feel like I'm just the biggest joke ever and it would be better if I didn't exist. I think I'll be okay if I can hold on for another two years. I'm pretty sure I'll still be alive then. I'm just not sure what kind of person I'll be.

I'm feeling a little better now, but I'm too tired to pretend anymore. I can't even manage to say, "I'm fine." Existing is hard enough without pretenses, so here's to the end of my lies. Good riddance anyway.
But let me tell you this: I may have hit the figurative rock bottom, but I'm not going to stay there. You see, my grandpa taught me something important about water - he didn't know how to swim, but he knew how to survive. He would allow himself to sink until his feet could push against the bottom of pool or lake...then he would use the force to propel himself upwards until his head was above the water. I may have hit rock bottom, but I'm not going to stay here. I will use the darkest day of my life, April 15, 2016 as my starting point for moving forwards. For moving upwards. For getting out of this mess.
I won't do it alone. I know I can't do it alone. I will be spending time in God's Word, learning to love and know Him more and more. I will tell people whom I trust when I am struggling. I will not let depression get the best of me - not through my own self-will, but through God's grace. 
No, I'm not fine.
In fact, I am drowning.
But I am fighting.